I think I’ve learned a lot about myself over the years. I’ve certainly been through enough to have no choice but to grow and evolve whether I liked it or not. And yet- I do the same shit all the time, it’s just disguised. After everything with Courtney, I definitely try to play it too cool. I’m not going to let someone know that I like them until I think they like...
week in review
Super quick summary… Monday: Jason arrived. My car got impounded. A fellow teacher and AMAZING friend answered my call at midnight,picked me up on the side of the highway, and let me use her car to go to the airport. Finally picked Jason up and drove him to his step-dad’s place. He made me laugh the whole time and got my mind off of what had just happened with my car and the...
My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.– dashboard confessional
Today was pretty wonderful.
I was so on today. I mean, I rocked it. I’m pretty sure there were at least three of me in my 6th grade classes today, that’s how much I owned it. Go me. The school day was followed by three hours of parent teacher conferences… which also turned out amazing. Without exaggeration, every parent I sat down with told me that their child/children love me and that they are so...
Butterflies Are Free: But I worked hard on... →
wincherella: Lately I have had a number of students ask me about their grades being much lower than they expected them to be on a completed assignment. Usually it is phrased as a query “Mrs. W, why did I get 78 out of 100 on my poetry assignment? I worked really hard on it, or Mrs. W., I don’t understand why I… Oh my goodness- have I been there! Unfortunately it was with two...
He says he knows where he made the mistake with you (I made him change that to...– -Staci It makes me sad, too. I really need to get back to work. My to-do list is massive for tomorrow, that will help. I have no idea why this is all hitting me so hard right now, again. I suspect that this will happen from time to time, and that I should just accept it and do my best to work...
The rain always makes me think of you. A week long vacation with myself is a few days too many. I’ve crossed the line of relaxation into the realm of over-thinking. I need to get back to work.
and so it is. just like you said it would be....
Some days I feel indestructible. Today is not one of those days. It’s been a month, or so, since I heard from Courtney. And while even though I was just hearing from him, and not returning the texts or calls. It was nice to still feel connected. The last time I heard from him it was because I accidentally sent him a Voxer of Ryan and I kissing. The audio sounds a thousand times...
Oh, he's good.
Me: Hey Stranger
Jason: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Good things, I hope. How's life?
Jason: Still busy. Yeah, I had this dream you were in last night. There's so much I want to ask you about (what you've been up to) and so much I want to tell you. May just save it for when I visit your 'hood.
I thought this was all really sweet, until my insecurities kicked in, and my past experiences started to impact the way I see things. I'm far too familiar with smooth talkers who say the right things at the right times. But I'm going to believe the best in this one, because I want to, and because he lives far enough away that he's only really a fantasy anyway.
Well. At least I don’t have to worry about that anymore. I was afraid I was leading Ryan on- all of my friends said I was doing so. Except Skye- who thinks I should see a therapist because I’m clearly more injured by my relationship with Courtney than I see… I called him out on some stuff. He did the same. He wondered why I didn’t say something before. I wondered...
The best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.– -Earnest Hemingway. Easier said than done, my friend. Ryan’s being shady… I think I’m pretty much over this, whatever it is.
I saw your face Tonight When I closed my eyes. And it startled me How much something so Beautiful Could scare me. For there is nothing I Fear More than Love.
I talked to Sean today and told him about my time in Seattle. Talking to him always makes me miss him more… I told him about my day exploring with Jason. And the realization that in the day I spent walking around and hanging out with Jason, I enjoyed myself more than the several times I’ve spent with Ryan. And while I can’t be with Jason, I clearly shouldn’t be with...
Me: Two things- 1. I packed up this morning, grabbed my suitcase, grabbed my carry-on, and headed downstairs to check out. As I walk down the hall I pass on of the Philly boys and say goodbye. I turn in my key at the front desk, am about to walk out, and realize I don't have my coat... so I ask to go back up and get it. I head back to my room just as the same guy I saw in the hall was leaving the room. We laugh at the run-in again, and I step inside to grab my coat. And what do I see? MY PASSPORT lying on he floor next to the bed... what are the odd that this kid has copied my passport? What are the odds it's been there the whole time? and 2. Kinda wish you weren't 40 minutes outside of Seattle so we could have grabbed breakfast. Have a safe drive home!
Jason: Your passport or ID? Do you think he has your ID? I was thinking about the breakfast thing. My friend was like, "go grab breakfast with her tomorrow and take her to the airport."
Me: My passport. He might have my ID... this can't be good. Maybe hostels aren't so great... It sounds like your friend is pretty smart. I'm in a taxi entirely too early to head to the airport, but I figured I didn't have a ton of time to do much else and din't want to lug my bags around.
Jason: Maybe he was "the couple of guys up to no good, started making trouble in my neighborhood" the Fresh Prince was talking about?
The conference was great, and I learned so much that I can’t wait to implement and share with my colleagues. But today was, by far, the best. Jason did make his way to Seattle and we spent the entire day together. We met around 11 and started our exploration of Seattle at the Pike Street Market. Then we stopped across the street for some food and walked over the the Space Needle...
getting on the plane for Seattle I got an email about things I need to do… since he lived there for years, and I never visited… oops. The email is hysterical and makes me miss him like crazy. I can’t believe I’m going to explore this city without him… ugh, whatev. I’m still psyched! Things to do in Seattle when the one person you know who lives in Seattle...
Ryan told me he’s falling in love with me. He was drunk when he said it, so I was able to avoid it. He’s asked me twice if I was his girlfriend. If we were together. Those weren’t sober moments either… more avoiding on my part. I started to tell him why I was reluctant to be his girlfriend, to call him my boyfriend. But then I’d have to tell him that I’m...
Ryan had a rough day… but made Valentine’s Day nice for me anyway. He made me wait in the hallway when he came over, needing to set up. I was extremely uncomfortable with this, having no idea what he was planning. I walked into my apartment. The floor was covered with Hershey’s kisses that led to the bathroom. Weird. When I entered the bathroom I saw a bouquet of roses...
Out of the blue I received a text from Jason tonight asking me if I wanted to go to dinner with him. After panicking about being able to get ready in enough time, I agreed. I did have a “date” with Ryan yesterday… but I guess there is no harm in hanging out with Jason. I mean, who knows what is going to happen with Ryan, and Jason is just a new friend, since he lives in...
Ryan invited me on a date for last night. Which fell through (never a good start). He said it was his roommate’s birthday and that he forgot. I ended up joining him and his friends for the celebration. I kinda preferred it. It took off all the stigma of a first date. He was cute and was dressed much nicer than his friends were and bought pacifico because it’s what I was drinking...
Had another wonderful night at a Sundance party. Jason, a boy from Portland, started a conversation with me on the dance floor. I wasn’t in full effect tonight, had a headache, didn’t really want to be there, but was apparently charming enough. Jason was a cool guy. It was easy talking to him because he’s not from here. There’s no pressure. We became facebook...
I had a carefree night. I spent most of the evening talking to a very intriguing boy. He was very confident, in a borderline douchey way… which tends to be the type I’m attracted to. They get my wit, keep me on my toes. I gave him my phone number. Which I never do. Maybe that’s a part of the changes I plan on making this year. Taking chances… He texted me after...
A letter from a parent, received this morning at 8:07 (the perfect way to start a day/work week): I am shocked that they received a B- on this project. They spent hours and hours working on it and they put tremendous effort into both the content and the presentation. When I went to pick up the horse, my jaw dropped – it is so “over the top” good. The 34 slides they prepared are consistent...
The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, know...– Elizabeth Kubler Ros
“You’ll never write well if you fear dying, do you?” ...– Midnight in Paris.
Well- I finally told him how I felt. I feel a little off about the whole thing… and relieved. I hope that he actually hears me this time instead of ignoring what I’ve said for a week and then starting up all over again.
I spent the whole car ride to work this morning playing over in my head all the things I would like to say him. A part of me wants to stop sugarcoating how much he hurt me and make it very clear that I do not consider him to be a good person. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty about putting someone so cruel in their place, but I have a bad habit of remember him the way I thought he was...
I’m being haunted by the man I used to love. It’s like he knows I’ve let him go (as much as I can) and he’s doing everything he can to hold on to me… Not in the he’s-there-when-I-close-my-eyes kinda way, but rather, he’s always leaving me messages on facebook, popping up via notifications that he likes my statuses and photos, or sending me text messages...
and with that, I let it all go.
Jessie, Please don’t apologize. I know we met to talk about things in person, but there wasn’t nearly enough time nor was it really the right environment for it. Actually it was much better just to have a half hour to laugh and enjoy each other’s company before you left. I couldn’t think of a better way to say goodbye. While I’m striving to be a better...
This year I am going to see myself the way others see me. This year I am going to be honest- I’m going to say what’s on my mind and in my heart, with or without fear. This year I am going to stay much closer to the people that I love and miss, despite time or distance. This year I am going to love like I’ve never been hurt.
Sean- I just want to start out by apologizing. I know we met today to talk about what happened, but I just dont know what to say. I know one of your resolutions is to be a better communicator and clearly I need to work on that as well. I’m so embarrassed that I caused a scene like that between us. I remember you walking away and I remember not feeling great about the situation, but I had...