Pretending

Some days I feel indestructible.

Today is not one of those days.

It’s been a month, or so, since I heard from Courtney. And while even though I was just hearing from him, and not returning the texts or calls. It was nice to still feel connected. The last time I heard from him it was because I accidentally sent him a Voxer of Ryan and I kissing. The audio sounds a thousand times worse than what was happening. But I can’t imagine receiving that kind of a message from him, even though we’re over. Even though I’ve known about him being with literally a dozen other girls, It would still kill me. It would cause the kind of pain that stops your heart and makes you feel like you’re going to vomit.

I keep debating calling him, or sending him a text message. But I can’t. What would I say? and Why?

Our mutual friend Staci wrote me an email a few weeks ago and the words have been playing over in my mind since:
Hi Jess,

Courtney told me that you pocket-phoned him and he had to hear you have sex with someone else. (I pointed out that he could have hung up.) He said it totally crushed him. Said it was a week ago and he can’t think of anything else. I told him he had it coming. That he crushed you time after time for years. He agreed that he had it coming, but didn’t think it would hurt this much after so much time. I think he has finally realized how great you are and what he threw away. I think he met you too soon in life. If he met you now, for the first time, think it would last forever. Of course, there are no do-overs. I have mixed feelings about you not loving him anymore. I think it is good for you to move on, but I am crazy about both of you and have seen enough of life to realize how perfect you are for each other. If only he hadn’t screwed up so badly. I know I could never forgive someone if they did to me what he did to you. Just a shame, that’s all. He said he realizes how out of control his ego was with all of the attention he was getting from Morgan Stanley and all of the “have” people. He sees it all now for what it was. Shallow. He said he is happy at Chase. Said his perspective on life is back where it used to be and where he is comfortable and feels he fits in with his fellow employees. As a pseudo mother, I find that quite
amazing. Finally and at last….! Just too bad he lost you on the ride.

I cry just reading it over again. I’ve been so scared that Courtney was the one, and that it’s lost now. And to hear her say it, with such conviction, scares me even more. I know I’ve said it before, but I can’t imagine ever loving anyone again. Not the way I loved him. I feel so bad for these other guys that come into my life and try to be with me, who fall for me only to have me end it before there is a chance for me to love them. My friends say that the right guy will be patient with me and understand. But how can the understand if I never talk about what has happened, what I’ve been through, what I’ve given, and what I’ve lost.

I think the mature thing to do is understand that despite the terrible things I’ve gone through with him, I’ll never stop loving him. So I should stop lying to myself about it. But what good does this resolution do? My life isn’t better for admitting this. It doesn’t give me peace of mind, or hope. It just makes me feel more hopeless.

Maybe I’ll sleep this off and go back to lying to myself.
Pretending to be happy is better than nothing.