I think I’ve learned a lot about myself over the years. I’ve certainly been through enough to have no choice but to grow and evolve whether I liked it or not. And yet- I do the same shit all the time, it’s just disguised.
After everything with Courtney, I definitely try to play it too cool. I’m not going to let someone know that I like them until I think they like me, and even then, it’s difficult for me to be honest about how I feel.
I heard from Courtney a bunch this week/last week, which always just messes with me. I know he knows it. I just ignore it. When I’m strong enough to ignore it. This week I was, probably because I was preoccupied. He wants to tell me how well he’s doing… I’m not sure why he think I want to know. I’ve finally, well, today at least, have found myself in a place of indifference. I just don’t care anymore. Thank god. It really took too long. And I’m sure I’ll care all over again next week… but I guess when you are in a relationship like that, those feelings are just something you can’t control. But at least, for the most part, I feel pretty over everything.
Anyway- all this is stemming from how I wish that I didn’t have to sleep alone tonight. I guess I didn’t expect Jason to be as sweet as he was, but those cuddles were legit. Ryan definitely never held me like that… I can’t believe I’ve let myself be drawn to someone who lives in another state. There is something about him that is very intriguing… I can’t place it. We just click well. I think that we have the potential to be friends for a long time. I say friends because I know better than to hope for anything else.
On a less confusing note: I CANNOT wait for this summer.
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