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#summertime #galliancenter #utah #slc #livemusic #avettbrothers ...

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 20:28:03 -0700

#summertime #galliancenter #utah #slc #livemusic #avettbrothers (Taken with Instagram at The Gallivan Center)

#avettbrothers #livemusic #slc #utah #galliancenter #summertime ...

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 20:03:22 -0700

#avettbrothers #livemusic #slc #utah #galliancenter #summertime (Taken with Instagram at The Gallivan Center)

#summertime #galliancenter #utah #slc #livemusic #avettbrothers ...

Thu, 28 Jun 2012 20:01:25 -0700

#summertime #galliancenter #utah #slc #livemusic #avettbrothers (Taken with Instagram at The Gallivan Center)

Dinner! (Taken with Instagram at Copper Moose Farm)

Sun, 24 Jun 2012 20:22:57 -0700

Dinner! (Taken with Instagram at Copper Moose Farm)

#Utah is on #fire. (Taken with Instagram at Copper Moose Farm)

Sun, 24 Jun 2012 15:53:15 -0700

#Utah is on #fire. (Taken with Instagram at Copper Moose Farm)

Taken with Instagram

Sat, 23 Jun 2012 21:22:31 -0700

Taken with Instagram

Guarding the greenhouse. #parkcity #utah (Taken with Instagram...

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 19:47:22 -0700

Guarding the greenhouse. #parkcity #utah (Taken with Instagram at Copper Moose Farm)

#parkcity #utah (Taken with Instagram at Copper Moose Farm)

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 19:43:04 -0700

#parkcity #utah (Taken with Instagram at Copper Moose Farm)

Off to work on the farm. (Taken with Instagram at Copper Moose...

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 19:40:51 -0700

Off to work on the farm. (Taken with Instagram at Copper Moose Farm)

Pink. (Taken with Instagram)

Thu, 21 Jun 2012 23:13:46 -0700

Pink. (Taken with Instagram)

I think I’ve learned a lot about myself over the years. I’ve certainly been through...

Thu, 17 May 2012 23:08:27 -0700

I think I’ve learned a lot about myself over the years. I’ve certainly been through enough to have no choice but to grow and evolve whether I liked it or not. And yet- I do the same shit all the time, it’s just disguised.

After everything with Courtney, I definitely try to play it too cool. I’m not going to let someone know that I like them until I think they like me, and even then, it’s difficult for me to be honest about how I feel.

I heard from Courtney a bunch this week/last week, which always just messes with me. I know he knows it. I just ignore it. When I’m strong enough to ignore it. This week I was, probably because I was preoccupied. He wants to tell me how well he’s doing… I’m not sure why he think I want to know. I’ve finally, well, today at least, have found myself in a place of indifference. I just don’t care anymore. Thank god. It really took too long. And I’m sure I’ll care all over again next week… but I guess when you are in a relationship like that, those feelings are just something you can’t control. But at least, for the most part, I feel pretty over everything.

Anyway- all this is stemming from how I wish that I didn’t have to sleep alone tonight. I guess I didn’t expect Jason to be as sweet as he was, but those cuddles were legit. Ryan definitely never held me like that… I can’t believe I’ve let myself be drawn to someone who lives in another state. There is something about him that is very intriguing… I can’t place it. We just click well. I think that we have the potential to be friends for a long time. I say friends because I know better than to hope for anything else.

Dumb.

On a less confusing note: I CANNOT wait for this summer.

waltzingmatildablog: Completely agree with this statement.

Sun, 13 May 2012 22:39:55 -0700

waltzingmatildablog:

Completely agree with this statement.

week in review

Sun, 13 May 2012 22:35:00 -0700

Super quick summary…

Monday: Jason arrived. My car got impounded. A fellow teacher and AMAZING friend answered my call at midnight,picked me up on the side of the highway, and let me use her car to go to the airport.

Finally picked Jason up and drove him to his step-dad’s place. He made me laugh the whole time and got my mind off of what had just happened with my car and the highway patrol… When we got to his place, I got out of the car to figure out how to open the trunk and gave him a hug goodbye. We’d had a few playful conversations about how he’s yet to kiss me, so I thought it might be coming. But since my night had been a bit too eventful and definitely too stressful, I didn’t want that to be the moment we kissed. So after a very good hug, one that implied a kiss was coming, I ducked my head down and darted into the car, hoping he didn’t know that I was avoiding it.

Tuesday: Lots of phone calls to figure out find out the total cost to free the jeep. Invited Jason to taco Tuesday. I even had him pick me up so that he’d have to drop me off. We had a wonderful time at dinner, as usual. He’s wonderful to be around and our sense of humor is very similar. As I planned, he drove me home, pulled in a parking spot, and never put the car in park. So, naturally, I took that as a sign that he was ready to go. I said goodnight and we said we’d see each other on Friday.

Then we had this conversation via text:
Me: Thanks for driving 30 minutes to grab dinner. And for the ride.
Jason: Thanks for being awesome and super cute.
Me: Thanks for noticing. You were great company as usual. If you get bored before Friday, let me know.
Jason: The answer is yes, so long as I finish some work. Question: would you say you’re shy?
Me: In certain situations, I guess. But overall, no. Why do you ask? I can’t possible come off as shy.
Jason: Only in certain situations, now it makes sense!
Me: What are you taking about?? Lol. I’m shy in large groups of people whom I want to impress… but I’d say I’m pretty outgoing… or I thought?
Jason :I’ll explain next time I see you. maybe that was the wrong word?
Me: I’m so intrigued. You’re going to give me a complex.
Jason: A good one, right? Are you traditional, would you say? I’m projecting, I think.
Me: You’re being extremely vague. I think I have traditional qualities… I put up a Christmas tree every year. I assume that’s what you’re talking about. I’m not very conservative, if that’s what you mean.
Jason: Yep, I’m projecting. I want to see your place, but thought, “I can’t ask that, she’s the type that would think I have sex motives” (not that I’d turn it down, but your place sounded like a kitschy, cool little place).
Me: Well. I wanted to ask you but I’m pretty sure you never actually put your car in park. Which I assumed meant you were ready to go.
Jason: Lol, that’s why I didn’t, cause you didn’t ask! I’m so used to super aggressive girls, even though they’re the crazy bad ones I need to stay away from. This is the lesson I needed.
Me: Lol. I didn’t ask because you didn’t park! We’re bad at this.
Jason: I got the sense you’re super traditional in that department and if I’m not opening the door, carrying flowers, waiting 10 dates after meeting your parents, I’d be disrespecting you. Cause I’m mostly super flirty (not in a creepy way, a really charming way).
Me: Well it’s nice to know I come across as classy for once. But I’m definitely not the traditional type. I’m super curious as to what I’m doing to give off that impression. I’m just not forward.
Jason: He’s an example. Yesterday, I was like I’m going to give Jessie a hug and if I see the opportunity, maybe we kiss. But after the hug was a really quick turn and a goodbye. I took it as shy or “not now”
Me: Ugh. Yeah, that’s my fault. I had so much on my mind last night I was kinda oblivious. Just distracted.
Jason: When it’s right, it will be, and will be super hot and heavy, just saying…
Me: I’m going to hold you to that.

We’re clearly very bad at reading each other…

Wednesday: My car is freed! I had to drive Jess’s car to the DMV. And by car, I mean beast of a truck that I need to use a handle to pull myself up into and that has a seat that doesn’t pull forward and is too far away for my short legs… It was interesting, but I made it in and out of the DMV before my first class started (this was clearly the most effective use of my planning period). During lunch I had another co-worked bring me to the impound and I was able to free the Jeep! What a relief. I invited Jason to a whiskey happy hour where my friends band was playing, but he said he really had too much work to do.

At 10 or so that night he texted me asking if I had internet because he was in a McDonald’s parking lot trying to upload something and it was taking forever. I told him he could come over and use it but that I wasn’t getting dressed for him. So I greeted him a half an hour later with baggy men’s sweatpants and a plain white tee. He did what he needed to do on the internet and then we watched the most recent episode of Game of Thrones. He casually slipped his arm around me during the show, and I knew a kiss would happen by the end of the night.

And it did! Thank jesus. I was tired of the anticipation. Although I will say it was kinda fun waiting and wondering. It was fantastic. I haven’t had a first kiss like that in a long time. It was very sweet. Very gentle. He has fantastic, full lips so I knew I would enjoy myself. And I did, to say the least. Kissing is my favorite.

Thursday: Had a fantastic day at school. Was in a great, great mood and didn’t even notice that it was my long day. I feel like my students had me laughing all day. It was one of my favorite’s (not that teachers have favorites) birthday. I let him decided what we were doing for advisory which meant craziness in the gym. It was a blast. I couldn’t possibly love my job more.

Friday: Short work day. I won the teacher’s raffle for a Starbucks gift bag- yay teacher appreciation week. We had a “grade group” meeting which felt pretty pointless since before each agenda point the facilitator said, “we’ll be covering this at faculty meeting, but…” I feel like people don’t utilize how efficient and email can be…

I did some errands and took a nap. Picked up Jason and met Jess and Jimmy at Mexican food. We went to another friends house for some drinks and then to bowling where I ran my mouth and actually won! Taylor had to buy my beer this time! I had a blast, Jason was quieter than I’d ever seen him, but he swears he had fun…

Saturday: Breakfast, aquarium, airport. It was a short trip, and I’d say that I definitely have a crush on Jason, which is so me since I’m much more open with guys who don’t live anywhere near me. I’m sure there is some sort of subconscious thing that causes that…

Sunday: I woke up at 2 in the afternoon. What? I mean, how does that happen? I did nothing today. My phone finally died and I ordered a new iPhone that I’ll get tomorrow. I’m kinda excited about that… after three years with the same droid, I’m excited to be in the iPhone bandwagon. I was supposed to have softball practice today but didn’t know when or where we were meeting because I couldn’t use my phone. I think we have a game tomorrow… should be interesting since I haven’t played in a game in over a year.

So all-in-all, another good week in the books.

"My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me."

Wed, 09 May 2012 22:30:55 -0700

“My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me.”

- dashboard confessional

Today was pretty wonderful.

Thu, 19 Apr 2012 19:20:34 -0700

I was so on today. I mean, I rocked it. I’m pretty sure there were at least three of me in my 6th grade classes today, that’s how much I owned it. Go me.

The school day was followed by three hours of parent teacher conferences… which also turned out amazing. Without exaggeration, every parent I sat down with told me that their child/children love me and that they are so grateful for all that I do. How many people get to have a day like that at work? Uh. I don’t even have words. Not to mention, on top of all the praise I got from my current students’ parents, three different mothers of five grade students told me how much their kids can’t wait to have me next year.

I am so lucky.

With all that said, I’m still wicked excited it’s a three day weekend.

Butterflies Are Free: But I worked hard on that....

Tue, 17 Apr 2012 20:49:42 -0700

Butterflies Are Free: But I worked hard on that....:

wincherella:

Lately I have had a number of students ask me about their grades being much lower than they expected them to be on a completed assignment. Usually it is phrased as a query “Mrs. W, why did I get 78 out of 100 on my poetry assignment? I worked really hard on it, or Mrs. W., I don’t understand why I…

Oh my goodness- have I been there! Unfortunately it was with two particularly entitled students, twin sons of my supervisor with an extremely protective lawyer of a mother. I received a highly offensive email from their mom, got pulled into the principal’s office, had to produce my grading rubric and project instructions, had two meetings with my academic dean, and then a meeting with the mom where I was told, “They wrote an ‘A’ paper.” When I told her it simply wasn’t, she told me, “Well, I may not be an English teacher, but I am a lawyer.” Needless to say, that was the end of that conversation. The boys received an 83/100. They made an amazing Trojan horse for a creative response after reading the Iliad, but nothing they did was appropriate for the assignment. The horse itself demonstrated so much effort, and I was saddened to have to give them something other than an “A”. But I looked at it as a teachable moment, an opportunity to show them the importance of following directions and meeting requirements. I defended my reasoning, and my grade, with all levels of administration and didn’t change it. I think that effort is important, and should perhaps be an element of the grade, but it shouldn’t be the basis of the grade. The mother made an argument that I am teaching the boys that they need not try hard. But that’s clearly not what I’m doing. I’m pushing your child to improve… I get so frustrated all over again thinking about it.

"He says he knows where he made the mistake with you (I made him change that to..."

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 00:05:28 -0700

“He says he knows where he made the mistake with you (I made him change that to “mistakes”-plural) and that he wished he could change things back to the way they were before he got so full of himself. I know they are just words, and the damage he’s done can’t be undone, but it makes me so sad. For both of you. But, please, try not to assume they are all like that. Definitely be cautious before you give your heart away, but DO give your trust to someone again. You take the chance of being hurt again, but wouldn’t it be worth the risk if you found the right guy?”

- -Staci

It makes me sad, too.
I really need to get back to work. My to-do list is massive for tomorrow, that will help. I have no idea why this is all hitting me so hard right now, again. I suspect that this will happen from time to time, and that I should just accept it and do my best to work through it. But it’s pretty shitty.

The rain always makes me think of you. A week long vacation with myself is a few days too many. ...

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 12:53:05 -0700

The rain always makes me think of you.

A week long vacation with myself is a few days too many. I’ve crossed the line of relaxation into the realm of over-thinking. I need to get back to work.

and so it is. just like you said it would be. life goes easy...

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 00:59:46 -0700

and so it is.
just like you said it would be.
life goes easy on me,
most of the time.

Pretending

Sat, 14 Apr 2012 00:09:00 -0700

Some days I feel indestructible.

Today is not one of those days.

It’s been a month, or so, since I heard from Courtney. And while even though I was just hearing from him, and not returning the texts or calls. It was nice to still feel connected. The last time I heard from him it was because I accidentally sent him a Voxer of Ryan and I kissing. The audio sounds a thousand times worse than what was happening. But I can’t imagine receiving that kind of a message from him, even though we’re over. Even though I’ve known about him being with literally a dozen other girls, It would still kill me. It would cause the kind of pain that stops your heart and makes you feel like you’re going to vomit.

I keep debating calling him, or sending him a text message. But I can’t. What would I say? and Why?

Our mutual friend Staci wrote me an email a few weeks ago and the words have been playing over in my mind since:
Hi Jess,

Courtney told me that you pocket-phoned him and he had to hear you have sex with someone else. (I pointed out that he could have hung up.) He said it totally crushed him. Said it was a week ago and he can’t think of anything else. I told him he had it coming. That he crushed you time after time for years. He agreed that he had it coming, but didn’t think it would hurt this much after so much time. I think he has finally realized how great you are and what he threw away. I think he met you too soon in life. If he met you now, for the first time, think it would last forever. Of course, there are no do-overs. I have mixed feelings about you not loving him anymore. I think it is good for you to move on, but I am crazy about both of you and have seen enough of life to realize how perfect you are for each other. If only he hadn’t screwed up so badly. I know I could never forgive someone if they did to me what he did to you. Just a shame, that’s all. He said he realizes how out of control his ego was with all of the attention he was getting from Morgan Stanley and all of the “have” people. He sees it all now for what it was. Shallow. He said he is happy at Chase. Said his perspective on life is back where it used to be and where he is comfortable and feels he fits in with his fellow employees. As a pseudo mother, I find that quite
amazing. Finally and at last….! Just too bad he lost you on the ride.

I cry just reading it over again. I’ve been so scared that Courtney was the one, and that it’s lost now. And to hear her say it, with such conviction, scares me even more. I know I’ve said it before, but I can’t imagine ever loving anyone again. Not the way I loved him. I feel so bad for these other guys that come into my life and try to be with me, who fall for me only to have me end it before there is a chance for me to love them. My friends say that the right guy will be patient with me and understand. But how can the understand if I never talk about what has happened, what I’ve been through, what I’ve given, and what I’ve lost.

I think the mature thing to do is understand that despite the terrible things I’ve gone through with him, I’ll never stop loving him. So I should stop lying to myself about it. But what good does this resolution do? My life isn’t better for admitting this. It doesn’t give me peace of mind, or hope. It just makes me feel more hopeless.

Maybe I’ll sleep this off and go back to lying to myself.
Pretending to be happy is better than nothing.